Just in case some of you are totally clueless, I thought I better explain this. Today's update (if you want to call it an "update") is in the form of an audio clip. Click below, kiddies!

The year was 1980. I was ten years old and my family had made a trip from Sioux City, Iowa to Kansas City to see the Royals play. Our seats were not close to the field, nose-bleed in fact, but it made no difference to me.

About halfway through the game, a high pop foul came our way. I stood up to give my best effort at catching it. As the ball came down towards me, something inside made me sit back down. I reached up to catch the ball as it hit me square on the right thigh and bounced under my seat. Blocking out the pain, I instinctively reached under the seat, only to have the ball snatched away from me by a man in his forties who had been sitting one row in front of us. I grabbed at his wrist, frustrated that I had just been hit by a ball and lost it all in a matter of two seconds. The man pumped his fist and held the ball in the air for everyone to see. Nice job, pal. If it wasn't for my fat thigh, there's no telling where that ball might've landed.

As it was, I did end up with a pretty neat souvenir...but it only lasted a couple of weeks: A baseball-sized bruise, seams and all.

Some of you might've heard or noticed, I've been working with an internet radio station network. The link to the station's site and stream is on the right. The Big Dumb Fun Party is a two-hour live internet radio show that I am a part of. It airs every Monday night at 8 PM Central. If you get a chance, check it out tomorrow night! If you have questions, just send me an email.


Westmar's Best of KCFORUM.net - 31st Edition

"I believe there might be some Payola involved here and I am not talking that shit town in KS." - Karupt

"Give me Tom Asbury and a tanning bed and I will win the NCAA's in less than 3 years. BITCHES!" - Phat Endy

"Glad to see at least SOMEONE around here has gotten laid recently." - lawgeek
W: This one was from awhile back. Lawgeek was posting in response to Husker Z announcing that Mrs. Husker Z (presumably the innocent young woman in his avatar) has a bun in the oven. Better start teaching him the West Coast Offense immediately, Husker Z!

"Carl, dude, no offense but I liked you a whole lot better when you were dead." - CDUBB

"Shouldn't you be planning your menu for your next dinner date with westy? What are you going to cook for him this time? I'm guessing pork loin. CDUBB is the Bobby Flay of the forum." - catkins

"Westy, I have a feeling you are trying to goad me into a war with the way the rankings have been the past two weeks. If so, then you know exactly what I'm talking about, since you are Oliver Stonemar... and if that's the case, I will show restraint and not turn to the darkside of anger. If you have no idea what I'm talking about...then never mind...I'm half-retarded." - Sully75

"I'll take (Rebecca) Lobo to show. I'd pick her to win or place but she's got a bum knee. They should really think about putting her down." - Hot Carl
W: He was a little cold upon his return, but Hot Carl is clearly firing on all cylinders, at this point.

"Klink going over to Westmar's house to share a cold one might lend a new meaning to 'My wee Westie'." - Twisted Steel

"I’m a teacher who only works 9 months a year. I work at a job that I enjoy and the funny thing is that with my level of education and experience, I probably make more money than you (Battle Cat) do. So while you sit in your shitty 9-5 world, I am at home getting paid to make fun of your sorry ass." - Phat Endy
W: Another great thread started by Phat Endy, a man with plenty of time on his hands, as he explores the origin and classification of KCFORUM.net's Battle Cat.

"Endy, that was the best smack I have ever read in my life! You are the f***ing master!" - CDUBB
W: Keep this post from CDUBB in mind if he starts griping because Endy is still #1 in the poll this week.

"So I did (read Endy's thread about Battle Cat) and it was, by far, a fine fine body of work. I actually got rather moist. Dr. Endy should be mighty proud." - just mary
W: Have I ever mentioned how much I love it when just mary mentions her "wet factor" in her posts?

"When Endy dies, will he get a State side funeral like Reagan?" - catkins

"One thing I'm relieved to know is that BC (Battle Cat) is the board bitch and I'm just a bitch." - KCsportsnut

"No doubt Criqui sucks.......but there is nothing worse than Beesley Reece. Except maybe that May dude. No matter. Brent Musberger trumps all on the Suck-Ass-Meter. Whoops...not quite true. Michael Irvin is lower than ant shit. Give me Don Fortune over that clown any day." - Paintman
W: I have a feeling Paint could've gone even further with this post. It's nice to see that Husker fans are not the only ones who think Musberger is worthless.

"In studio after the break...Dave Stewart! What a special treat!! If I wanted to hear Dave Stewart on the radio, wouldn't I tune in from 9-11?" - Assilem Krats

"It would take a MAJOR douchebag to not want to share a beer together. Any copier salesmen here?" - Twisted Steel
W: Is there any doubt that Wolverine Willie is missed LESS than buckybadgersbrother?

"If your looking for a place for people to be outraged at overweight people, I think you're on the wrong forum. My guess by the outings I've seen is that the average is well over 250. Try JennyCraig.com or something." - Bubba Clyde

"I am as curious as Hipity when he was 11." - Karupt

"Thanks for coming up for air long enough to post. Now get back to work...Westmar's blue pill is kicking back in." - lawgeek
W: It's a good thing I have a sense of humor and am comfortable with my sexuality (which is hetero, by the way)...otherwise I'd be really upset with the gay sexual references posted about me with regards to the Power Rankings. But how could I ever be pissed off at someone like lawgeek, for instance?

"Westmar is like beer on ice...there is nothing greater." - Colonel Klink
W: Do people really drink beer with ice?

"I went to school with a kid who scotch-taped his boogers to the top of his desk so everyone could see them. I'm trying to remember his name...it was something like Catkoons or Katquins, something like that." - Hot Carl

"You (NickOrange) may just fit in here after all. Not to mention pell will love you because you are both tree huggin liberal pee pee patters." - CDUBB

"Playing for the royals is like f***ing a fat chick. Easy as hell to score on some sloppy skank. But it all goes down as getting laid in a person's all time f*** list." - Intense one

"I sincerely hope we take the gloves off...I'm tired of this bullshit. If you don't agree with these f***s, then get out for a while, and we'll clean up your f***ing motherland for you, since you worthless assholes won't do it yourselves, sometimes even helping the assholes out." - WILDCAT NATION
W: With another beheading hitting the news late last week, most of us had boiling blood and something to say. I was no exception. It kind of made me wanna kick someone's ass, ya know?

"Bring on the daisy cutters. I don't want our soon to be free oil to be radioactive." - Hot Carl
W: Free oil...how sweet would that be?

"There's no better way to take a shit in bin Laden's mouth than to open a McDonald's in every corner of the Radical Theocratic Arab world." - Soylent Green

"Maybe they (Royals) should change their uniform colors to yellow till they can play like they got a pair." - iplayoutside

"I continue my Susan Lucci-esque run by not having a quote. At this point, I'm embracing it. On a side note, I did hold my top 25 ranking at #24. A couple of tough road games last week but I was able to hang. I'm pretty pleased about that. Note to Westie: you do realize that even Susan Lucci finally won one don't you?" - JB
W: This was actually a combination of two quotes from JB. Any guy who indirectly compares himself to a female soap opera star deserves to find his way onto the Best Of site.

"Des Moines is french for 'void of life'." - catkins
W: Actually, that would be Missouri Valley, Iowa.

"What kind of fuggin' jackoff name is 'Regent' (Ducas) anyway?!" - pell

"I do have my pics and avatars turned off during the day though. I wouldn't want the 10 deliquents in my room to have any additional spank material for when they head home." - Phat Endy

"There are naked celebrities on this thing? I thought this place was family friendly" - O&A Army
W:O&A Army...I almost forgot this guy used to post at KCFORUM.

"If any of you guys follow me too close and a soybean flies out and hits you, it is not my fault." - combine_billy

"Between Carl, Geek, and LJ, I can actually hear them getting more stuck up as they post." - CDUBB

"The thing that is so great about Madonna is she never does anything for publicity." - SharkSandwich
W: Madonna changed her name to "Esther" this week. What the hell is that all about? Some of these stars are so bored with money and fame that they have nothing better to do than to find some goofy religious reason to change their names. Esther claims she doesn't want this to seem disrespectful to her late mother who named her "Madonna". Heavens no, Esther! How in the world could this be considered disrespectful to your dead mom?

"Don't ever fall for that truegreen chemlawn crap. They're probably just spraying green colored water on your lawns. It's the telemarketing of lawn care." - catkins

"Only Boxers...I thought only 10 year old boys wear tightie whities...at least thats what Frankentiger told me." - Master P

"There is just something manly about it. It is in our DNA to want to pee outside. I think it is like marking my territory. I peed in my neighbor's yard to, so whether he knows it or not his yard is mine too right now." - CDUBB
W: I was four years-old when our deaf next door neighbor caught me peeing outside near the imaginary property line. She was immediately at our front door trying to use sign language to tell my mother what I had done. Have you ever seen a woman try to sign "Your son pulled his pants down and took a piss in my bushes?"

"I'm glad to know that if i ever come to any of your houses, I'm free to piss on your lawn and on your toilet rims." - Footys

"I stand by my good man Lawgeek. Missouri is scary. In fact, I don kevlar if I have to go north of 135th street or east of State Line road. Anytime I leave the JoCo dome I get a bit frightened." - Hot Carl
W: Oh God! Here we go again with this crap. I've lived in both areas and the only problem I have with JoCo these days is that it's too far away to go and hang out there.

"...anyone who really knows Westmar knows he does his absolute best work in the music forum." - pell
W: Even though he was completely MIA on Friday, pell saved his ass in the Power Rankings with this one post. Catkins should be pissed.


THE KCFORUM POSTER POWER RANKINGS

1. (1) Phat Endy
2. (2) CDUBB
3. (3) pell
4. (4) catkins
5. (6) Footys
6. (7) Karupt
7. (8) Twisted Steel
8. (9) FrankWhite4Ever
9. (5) Real Stonie
10.(25) Hot Carl
11.(10) Leawood John
12.(13) WILDCAT NATION
13.(14) JayhawkChris
14.(15) frankentiger
15.(16) bmanpoo
16.(11) HuskerBen
17.(18) Intense one
18.(19) BobbyD
19.(12) Bubba Clyde
20.(21) I-Hawk
21.(24) JB
22.(22) Soylent Green
23.(23) Stugats
24.(26) kcjrbean1
25.(28) lawgeek
26.(27) MC86
27.(29) Paintman
28.(35) Colonel Klink
29.(30) KCPowercat
30.(34) Drunkard
31.(32) Hoosier Dan
32.(33) Master P
33.(36) Battle Cat
34.(37) Sully75
35.(17) AusSteveW
36.(20) j.lo
37.NEW kcburg
38.NEW NickOrange
39.NEW KCsportsnut
40.(40) Omar


Drops: Rancho Relaxo, O&A Army, A-Train

Debuts: kcburg, KCsportsnut, NickOrange

Move of the week: Hot Carl

Fall of the week: AusSteveW

So the Red Sox were in town this weekend...Now, about Johnny Damon...what the hell happened to this guy after he left Kansas City? While he was here he was a good lookin', shy, clean-cut family man. Born in Fort Riley, KS, he was a hometown hero. Maybe the fact that he wasn't much of a wordsmith should've been a sign. He's gone from the Midwest to the West Coast to the East Coast and hasn't shaved or had a haircut since the year 2000. Kind of makes you wonder what Carlos Beltran will look like in 2008, doesn't it?



Hot Carl is back in full-force and The Heathens forum is getting uglier and uglier every week. This week's threads included "Shaving your junk?" and "Would you let her shit on you?" Have I mentioned how happy I am that I was given the Mod position in the Music forum and NOT the Heathens forum?

Enjoy this update folks. I'll be a busy beaver this week, making a business trip to the Tulsa area in the middle of the week and hoofing it up to my hometown in Iowa for the weekend. I don't expect to have the time to do another update until around the 20th of June. Sorry folks. But I think you'll find this one plentiful.

NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! NEWS FLASH! This just in:

"Leawood John has issues."

Now, on with the update!


Westmar's Best Of KCFORUM.NET - 30th Edition

The official definition of "catkins" was discovered by Stonie early this past week. We'll begin the quote section of today's update with it:

Catkins (noun) - 'lambs tails' found on the hairy branches of hazel trees towards the end of winter.



"That's how I got my nickname. As a boy I used to hump hazel trees towards the end of winter. I'd get spring fever and go running out the door to deadhorse a hazel tree. My parents were so embarassed!!" - catkins

"But what would I do with Rosanne after she shit on me? Was that out loud?" - KCPowercat

"I don't know what it means, but if they'll take off their tops they can say anything they want to me (they cannot, however, take a dump on me)." - Hot Carl
W: Let me translate for the readers...When Hot Carl came back to the forum after a sabbatical, he almost had to change his name to "Real Carl" because the women at his new place of employment keep telling him that he's "keeping it real". Carl would prefer that these "chicks" (his word) take their tops off but refrain from defecating on him.

"Now that school is out, you guys can expect me to put a stranglehold on the #1 spot. I'm gonna hang onto that like CDUBB clutching the handicap rails in the company shitter." - Phat Endy
W: I'm starting to see now why Phat Endy was such an inspiration to me when I first joined The Forum last July. He had nothing else to do but inspire the newbies.

"Can you imagine the look on there faces when they walked in and saw the corpse bent over the casket with Hipity behind it yelling GOAL! GOAL! GOAL!" - Karupt

"There is a bias in the media, but it ain't liberal, it's incompetence and laziness." - Maxtastic

"That stuff about the jumpsuit is great and all, but what I want to know is who was that standing in front of all of them on the grassy noll?" - CDUBB
W: The Nick Berg beheading has left a lot of confused and concerned. CDUBB is obviously at the top of this list.

"Surely you're joking...Dave Grohl would get his ass whipped by Karen Carpenter." - Hot Carl
W: I have a pretty good feeling Carl was referring to a modern-day fight: Grohl vs Corpse, 2004. Rumor has it this will be the opening act for the Mike Tyson fight in July.

"Somebody should find out what hotel he'll (Tyson) be staying at & hang out in the lobby until he strolls by with his posse. Throw something at him, like tomatoes, or try to get up close and spray him in the eye with WD-40...use that long red straw to get right up in his grill and spray as fast as you can before you're beaten to death by bodyguards. You'd go out in a blaze of glory and be immortalized that night on Sportscenter, not to mention 38 The Spot. Live anonymously, die famous." - Omar

"I f***ed the chick in Hanson" - bmanpoo
W: Is he talking about a Hanson sister or...oh God!

"Try coming up with readable, compelling stuff once a week or even every other week. It is very hard to do well. You've (Leawood John) only proven it's hard to do...My 4 yr. old daughter takes tumbling lessons once a week but she's not a gymanist. My 12 yr. old son takes biology at school and he is hardly a biologist. You scratch out a few paragraphs with a crayon on your Big Chief pad now and then but that most certainly does not make you a columnist. However you do live in Leawood, which undoubtedly makes you an elitist. Don't give up your day job!" -tater
W: Need I comment? I think not.

"(Hot) Carl's corpse is drinking? Sounds like Weekend At Bernies." - SharkSandwich
W: Good movie. Ya just gotta love Andrew McCarthy. And I can see Hot Carl playing the part of Bernie in a remake.

"I can put away about 30 wings when I go to BW3. I usually eat the hot variety. However, I never make it longer than an hour after I eat the wings without putting on a shit fireworks gala at home." - Phat Endy
W: Nobody ever did answer my question in that thread: What the hell is a "BW3"? I've heard of Buffalo Wild Wings, but...? Call me Jessica Simpson, but I just don't get it.

"(in the voice of Kevin Kietzman) I was reading (Greg Hall's) latest article with Monty and a few otherpsuedo-celebrities and we'd had a few beers. Jeff Montgomery said, ‘I could drink three or four more beers right now and still go down there and write better than Greg Hall." - Celticfan
W: You might need to read Greg Hall's Off The Couch column to completely understand this one. I found it quite humorous...Celtic really caught me off guard.

"I took my 2 bags of aluminum cans (to the Royals game) and got yelled at for putting them in the collection box...so I gave both bags to some LJ looking dude who was taking donations to hire a consultant to keep the Fred White statue from being constructed" - frankentiger

"You and Me cee dub (CDUBB)... poop brothers." - HipityHop
W: These words killed the thread...but is anyone else concerned about this statement?

"Don't stop walking now Westy. You might end up with Catkins' nose up your ass." - Phat Endy

"Endy, thanks for the pictures, my man. I haven't jacked off this much in ages. My monitor looks like the back of a seat at the Old Chelsea Theatre." - catkins
W: Granted, there's nothing worse than Hipity and Leawood John's graphic gay pics...but Endy's obese pics are...ummm...disturbing.

"He (Eric Crouch) may be the biggest Heisman bust in history, but when it is all said and done he will hold the record for most autographs signed at malls." - CDUBB

"Jimmy Hendrix doing the Star Spangled Banner...Pell and Styo said it was something from another world when they heard it live at Woodstock." - BobbyD
W: Judging by the humorous content in his post, I think Bobby was referring to Stromyle when he said "Styo". I believe a "styo" is something you get in your eye, isn't it?

"Isn't being intolerant of bigots in and of itself bigotry?" - bmanpoo
W: A good point. And isn't it amazing...bmanpoo can go from a post about having sex with a Hanson to something as deep and insightful as this.

"Sweet man. In six years you (father-to-be, Husker Z) can take a break from mowing the lawn." - Hoosier Dan
W: Why wait until the kid turns six?

"Well then, in the future, you need to stick to menu choices #1 or #2 that I listed...they go great with Super size chili cheese tots. If you eat this shit, you don't have to worry about getting fat...you'll be dead soon." - WILDCAT NATION

"I would think it would be hard for Kerry to do much of anything with catkins, pell and LJ swinging from his nuts like that." - CDUBB

"The only problem I can see at the K is how will the fans know when to let out their LOUDEST cheer of the night when the Royals reach the donut mark?" - pell
W: I look at it this way...even if the scoreboard was turned off for the rest of the season and Royals fans were unable to decipher when to cheer and clap...they're not going to have to worry about reaching the donut mark again for the rest of the season, at this rate.

"Thanks fellas, I'm outta here. Catch ya in a few weeks!" - Real Stonie
W: Stonie is going on a two week mission through Singapore & Thailand. He might be a little zaney, but we obviously wish him well and hope for a safe return. God Bless You, Stonie! Sorry about your new position in the rankings. Wait a minute. I'm not sorry. They're MY rankings!

"See, 50 years ago this dude would've died. That is why the human species is getting weaker. We are able to save the weakest among us and they continue to breed. It will be our downfall. That and the Garden Claw. That thing is wicked." - Phat Endy

"I see you (westmar) updated your site and I'm not in it. Preposterous. You have just lost your most faithful, not to mention ONLY, reader." - Hot Carl

"Carl, you can't just come back to life and show up and expect to be able to talk shit to Westy. You have to re-earn that right." - CDUBB
W: Yeah. What he said. Don't you owe me lunch or something, Hot Carl?


THE KCFORUM POSTER POWER RANKINGS

1. (1) Phat Endy
2. (2) CDUBB
3. (3) pell
4. (5) catkins
5. (4) Real Stonie
6. (6) Footys
7. (7) Karupt
8. (8) Twisted Steel
9. (11) FrankWhite4Ever
10.(12) Leawood John
11.(9) HuskerBen
12.(13) Bubba Clyde
13.(17) WILDCAT NATION
14.(14) JayhawkChris
15.(16) frankentiger
16.(19) bmanpoo
17.(18) AusSteveW
18.(10) Intense one
19.(22) BobbyD
20.(20) j.lo
21.(21) I-Hawk
22.(15) Soylent Green
23.(23) Stugats
24.(24) JB
25.NEW Hot Carl
26.(31) kcjrbean1
27.(28) MC86
28.(30) lawgeek
29.(32) Paintman
30.(33) KCPowercat
31.(26) A-Train
32.(36) Hoosier Dan
33.(34) Master P
34.(35) Drunkard
35.(37) Colonel Klink
36.(39) Battle Cat
37.(38) Sully75
38.(29) O&A Army
39.(38) Rancho Relaxo
40.NEW Omar


Drops: Shotgun Naked, KC Mouth

Debuts: Hot Carl, Omar

Move of the week: kcjrbean1

Fall of the week: O&A Army